18 Wheels Of Love
Album(s): Gangstabilly, Alabama Ass Whuppin': Live and Loud Way Down in Georgia,1999, Gangstabilly (rerelease), Live From Austin Texas,Sung by: Patterson Hood
Written by: Patterson Hood
Spoken: Now back when my mom and dad got divorced, my momma she was so miserable and so unhappy that she locked herself in her bedroom and she didn't come out for six years. And in my momma's bedroom, my momma she had three TV sets like Elvis, the King, used to have. And on top of each one of them TV sets my momma she had two VCRs, so she could record all them shows she wasn't watching.
And for six long years she stayed locked in her bedroom drinking vodka and milk and reading the National Enquirer and the Sun and the Star, and flipping them channels. Till my sister graduated from school, and the child support ran out. My momma she was forced to go out and get a job.
And I know I don't have to tell you it's a mean goddamn cruel world out there folks for a 50 year old woman, never worked a day in her life, didn't have a college education or nothing. My momma she bought into that whole 50s homemaker myth, and then she found herself in her 50s without a home to make. So my mom she was forced to work one shit job after another just to pay the rent, until finally fate led her to a place called R & D Trucking in Florence, Alabama.
And they hired my momma as what they call a truck log auditor. Every Monday morning she'd come in there and she'd audit all them truck drivers' logs, and if they'd been driving too many miles without sleep or something, her job was to catch it before the DOT caught it, therefore keeping R & D Trucking from having to pay a big ol' fine.
And there was this one truck driver, his name was Chester, and Chester was the biggest, meanest motherfucker at R & D Trucking. Chester weighed about 350 pounds of pure muscle and gut. And Chester had the word "Kim" tattoed right there on his forearm. And legend has it that one night back in Viet Nam, Chester killed eight men in their sleep in order to escape from a POW camp.
And now every Monday morning my momma she's calling him into her office and bitching him out, till finally one day she just snapped. She standing up on top of her desk so she can have a height advantage on him like she used to do to me as a kid, and she's yelling at the top of her lungs. She's saying "Chester, Chester, goddammit. Every week you fuck up your logs when you know I'm gonna catch you, and you know I'm gonna bitch you out. What gives?"
And Chester, he looked my momma right square in the eye, and he said "Jan, it's because I'm in love with you. And I knew the only way I'd ever get to talk to you was to fuck up my logs so you'd call me in here and bitch at me."
And six months later to the day, my mom and Chester they went to the tattoo parlor and he had "Kim" changed to "Jan". And then they ran off to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee and they got married at Dollywood. And me, I'd just moved to Athens, Georgia, and I was piss-broke and didn't have no money to buy them a present, so I wrote my momma this song. It's called "18 Wheels Of Love", and every goddamn word of it's true.
Mama ran off with a trucker.
Mama ran off with a trucker.
Mama ran off with a trucker.
Peterbilt, Peterbilt.
Mama ran off with a trucker.
Mama ran off with a trucker.
Mama ran off with a trucker.
Peterbilt, Peterbilt.
He's making her give life another stab.
They can see the world from way up in the cab.
Mama ran off with a trucker.
Mama ran off with a trucker.
Mama ran off with a trucker.
Peterbilt, Peterbilt.
Mama ran off with a trucker.
Mama ran off with a trucker.
Mama ran off with a trucker.
Peterbilt, Peterbilt.
She can quit her job now and be his little bride.
He can get a local route and stay home by her side.
She can fix him roast beast and sweet potato pie.
He can eat a lot of it, 'cause he's a big ol' guy.
They got married in Dollywood.
They got married in Dollywood.
They got married in Dollywood,
by a Porter Waggoner lookalike.
18 wheels of love.